But what do I know...

I'm feeling a wee bit philosophical, mushy, or whatever state I'm in that I can't pin point. So I'm going to rant about the topic that seems to be on everyone's mind, the issue that everyone seems to have problem with, the single thing that technology that still can't help to improve, and probably would never be able to: Love.

/It's almost ironic that I'm listening to Courtney Love while writing this. Anywayy.

Is there rules for love? I sometimes wonder when you hear all these relationship "expert" telling people how they should behave in a relationship. All these "trend" you can look for, and all these things you have to do. Days after days you see on MSN singles looking for love (or sex. For some people it's the same thing.), articles offering advice to look for Mr./Ms. Right. You keep thinking something this trivial should be natural for us. We've survived generations after generations, surely we should've got the hand of it now, right?

Okay, so we haven't. Where are we going wrong. If I could answer that question don't you think I should've written a book and earn lots of money now? (And you know how much money you can earn for writing books like that. Ask Dr. Phil.)

I still think it's all to do with the pursuit of happiness. Once you have two people who understand that and work towards the same goal, then it's all set. It's never as easy as that is it? No two people will truly have the same goal, and the same outlook on everything in life. Finding the person most compatible to you becomes the biggest problem.

And then there's the age old problem of loving someone who you know isn't going to get you anywhere. Been there, done that. Why does that happen anyway? Surely you know it's not where happiness lies, yet our heart just kinda stuck to that dream.

And how do we meet that someone? Personally, I think fate would bring you that person, but then again, maybe not. I always oppose to knowing someone for the sake of dating, reason why I tend to only go out with good friends of mine and then leave a big mess. So who's right?

Personally: I don't believe in people changing. Well, at least not changed by someone else. You can change yourself and sometimes that change might even stick and you might even be more comfortable with the new you. But then again, I always just be who I'm most comfortable with. (scary isn't it? Just "Choose who you want to be") If you don't expect anything to change, stand back and look at the picture and can be happy with it, you have yourself a keeper. Don't ever just "settle" because you never know when your perfect match may come by, and if you're "settled" with someone just out of the fear of loneliness, maybe that's your chance of happiness gone.

Well, just my thoughts. Of course if I've known anything about it, I would be out there earning big bucks like Dr. Phil is... :P

Quick blog

Gonna try my best to work as much as I can today. I'll even try not to complain about the stats in those medical journal. Wish me luck!

Paranoid Andriod

I've been feeling this sense of fear for a while now. I can't quite explain it.

It's one of those intangible feeling I've got. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's as if I think something bad is about to happen. Exactly what the something bad is I can't quite feel it.

Maybe it's just the PhD project. I've always feel like I can do better. Even though no one ever tells me that I'm not good enough. Am I being too harsh to myself? Possibly. But then again, almost no one has ever tell me that that I'm not trying hard enough, and yet I never really feel like I'm doing enough work. Ever since I was a kid I would force myself to do my very best. At the same time I know that sometimes I'm just putting up a front to fool people into thinking I know what I'm doing. Than again: aren't we all doing that in a sense or another?

If you ask me whether I think I know my field, I really wouldn't know what to say. I can't say I'm an expert in it, in fact I refuse to say that I'm good at anything at all (partly because I don't believe I am good at anything.) Take signal processing. There's a lot I don't understand, and a lot that I wish I can understand better. But for some reason I still got an A for the paper. Does that show how flawed the granding system is? Or does it show that there's a lot about myself that I don't know?

Sometimes I really wonder if my brain is doing more than I am consciously aware of. Sometimes Pete will catch me in deep thought, and when he ask me what I'm thinking I wouldn't have a clue. I know I was thinking. This sort of background thinking goes on a lot. Maybe the neurons are just making random connections, or maybe there is a cunning plot going on against me at the back of my head.

I'm thinking too much again...

Motivation... or the lack of it

So unmotivated...

I think I really need to set some sort of rules for my days. Like actually work a full day rather than spending half of it daydreaming. It's not as easy as it sounds, my attention span is about as long as a ferret's, and my train of thoughts goes off rail most of the time.

Maybe I should force myself to read at least 2 papers a day and otherwise I won't eat... That might do it...

Rain

After a beautiful long weekend, the weather's turned crap again. It's not really unexpected anyway, seeing this IS Auckland afterall. But then again, I still enjoy the occasional sunshine you know.

Still don't know why I can't work while it's raining. It's like something's not right. I don't know whether it's because it depresses me, or whether it's the perfect weather for sleeping and nothing else. Nevertheless, I think I'd have to get my ass into uni today at some stage anyway.

Lazy sort of day again. Ah well.

Energy level: low

Slept in again.

I suppose I should really try to get some work done today. Although part of me just really can't be bothered. What's the point really? I've been running those simulations for a few times, without a proper set of data and a specific goal there isn't much I can do.

Might go and do some painting instead today. Just to get the thing started.

VERY low energy day today, I know.

Dude, where's my hair?

I did it.

I went and have a hair cut.

Nothing major. I went in thinking I'll just trim the front and cut off all those split ends and what did they do? They cut my hair shorter than I expect them to. As usual.

Anyone ever realise that they almost always cut it too short? Isn't that a dumb thing to do? People will have to wait longer until they go and get a hair cut again. And yet they STILL do it. Maybe they just don't want to work. But really, what's with that? Now I have to wait another 5 months til my next hair cut. I want my hair down to my waist again. It just looked so cool.

Now it's going to take another year or so to grow it that long again. *sigh*